Breaking News! This Top Secret memo has been sent to me from an undercover agent from the North Pole. Shortly after receiving this from my contact, I lost contact with him. Very interesting read.
To: North Pole Staff
From: Mrs. Claus
Re: Budget Cuts
Date: December 19, 2016
This memo addresses the nasty rumors going around regarding the necessary budget cuts, policy changes implemented earlier this month, and a phony memo floating around the internet.
A false memo has been circulating on the internet. Please ignore it. Any memos from Santa or I are signed and come out on official NP letterhead.
Santa will be delivering toys using the reindeer and his sleigh. He wants to remind each of you that the take-off ceremony will go off as scheduled.
In light of the recent scandal involving the imposter found among us, I wish to assure you we have taken steps to make sure it will not happen again. All hardware and software in the North Pole has been checked and cleared. I must remind each of you to be cautious when accessing the net. The NPPD has requested, and it has been approved, that all North Pole immigration applicants must submit DNA along with background applications in the future. The subject who came under false pretenses in has been apprehended and subsequently dealt with.
Our budget has been on a tight string these past few years. Outrageous spending habits have to be curtailed in order to meet our Christmas quotas. In order to do so, the following rules are in effect until further notice:
· Partridges will be replaced by canaries (cheaper to maintain)
· Turtle Doves will be replaced by pigeons (same reason as above)
· French Hens are in short supply, so we will need to switch them out for Swallows – the African variety because they an carry more weight at velocity
· Calling Birds will be substituted with the stuffed talking parrots
· Gold has become very pricey; hence the reason for replacing the item with secret decoder rings. This also gives the recipient something to when the power goes out.
· No more golden geese. Basic domestic geese must be used now.
· The Queen of England claims swans are Royal and as such are hers so no more swans. Use local ducks (regional varieties) instead.
· The maids and lords have become a nuisance with their demands. We’ve decided to eliminate them altogether.
· As much we love the pipers and drummers, they had to go as well. They threatened to unionize and we can’t have that. Last I heard, they were playing a gig in San Francisco after requesting sanctuary.
· No more substituting liquor-filled candy for the chocolate Santas in the vending machines. Drinking is only allowed after duty hours.
· No more flowers in the reindeer feed – they are fine with oats, carrots, hay, and the occasional warm mash.
· No more pay-per-view sporting events. You will make do with the satellite service offered. Same goes for other pay-per-view channels. Any violator will be handled via company policy. Remember: discovery means explorers and government agencies nosing around. We don’t want that!
We are optimistic that our revenues will increase in the future. With better income, we can spread the wealth and improve benefits for all. Thank you for your hard work and support. Merry Christmas!